3.31.2010

Married With Children

by Kathy Tirrell

Married with children and intimacy. Something seems wrong with that sentence. What could it be? Oh yeah, right. What intimacy?

As soon as Baby Bobby comes home from the hospital, it's a whole new ball game. (Okay, my son's name isn't Bobby, but you get the picture.) Now we have a husband and wife...and a baby. Two's company, three's a crowd. Somebody will get all of his needs met and somebody will not. Little Baby Bobby must get fed, diapered, rocked and burped. Daddy will have to do some waiting if he wants attention. So will Mommy for that matter. Or maybe not?

Sure there are ways to sneak in some lovemaking while Baby Bobby is sleeping. But sometimes an infant's sleep schedule just doesn't coincide with his parents'. Spontaneity pretty much goes out the window once you have a child. Sometimes, just as things are heating up, a piercing cry rings out, followed by urgent wailing, and thank you very much, there goes the mood. On the plus side, babies are an excellent method of birth control.

Even when kids are older, couple time is still a problem. Maybe even more so since you can no longer scoop Bobby or Susie up and stick them into their crib for a while. Oh no. Now they're mobile and move from room to room at their leisure, maybe even stopping at your bedroom door, perhaps pausing and listening in. Or just plain walking in. If you think you're safe because you happen to have a lock on that door, doesn't matter, they'll bang on it. "Mommy, I can't find my doll/truck/crayons/hat/favorite book." If it's late at night, "Mommy, I had a bad dream." Or worse: "Mommy, I just threw up all over my sheets." Oh, isn't that a nice prelude to lovemaking?

And you can't take a chance of coitus interruptus with teenagers around. Nope. Think they took off on a Saturday night to attend that rock concert? (Ah, a couple of hours of private time for Mom and Dad.) Think again. Just as you've thrown off your clothes and strewn them all over the house and have settled down naked on the living room carpet, one of them comes rushing back into the house ten minutes later blurting, "I forgot my cell phone!" (Okay, that has never actually happened to us, but it could.)

And if you think things will finally change once the kids are old enough to move out and the two of you are Empty Nesters, you might be in for a surprise. These days with young adults finding it tough to land a job and pay the rent in that cold, cruel world out there means a couple of things might happen. One, they'll never move out! Or two, they WILL move out for maybe a few months, then come running back when they can't make ends meet, lose a job, or realize just how easy they had it at home.

One thing is clear, couples with children of any age need to be patient, sneaky, adaptable and adoptive of a Minuteman mentality--be ready in a moment's notice--if they want to sustain a healthy sex life. It can be done!

For further musings on the crazy things that happen in life, visit Kathy at
 It Bloggles The Mind

15 comments:

  1. Hi! I'm an Erma also. I won second place for Dayton writers in this year's Erma Bombeck writer's competition! visit me at http://tiny.cc/mollyc Hope to see you at the conference this year! molly

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  2. We're doomed. DOOOOOOOOOOOMED. Oops. Was that outloud?

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  3. I read an article some time ago that likened lovemaking after kids to sneaking around behind your parent's backs when we were teens. Now the 'parents' wear diapers or ask for money. :)

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  4. LOL! Lots of great lines in here. Particularly, "Somebody will get all of his needs met and somebody will not." :)

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  5. Oh, Kathy, SO spot-on! How we managed to conceive a second child after the first one completely mystifies me.

    Speaking of, Say Stacey--how many kids do you have?

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  6. Empty Nest. Empty Nest. Empty Nest. Sometimes I just like to say it over and over. It just sounds so good! Like chocolate for the ears.

    Stacey has FIVE kids. *snicker*

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  7. ROFL!!!!!

    Well, I have an empty nest, but I swear the gods are against us. If I am able to see him two days in a row in the same month, I consider myself lucky.

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  8. Well, my kids are 19, 22 and 23. We think one is moving out this summer, but I'll believe it when I see it.

    Maybe it they don't move out, my husband and I will!

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  9. We deliberately chose this floorplan to be built because the kids' rooms (three! I'm so stupid) are upstairs with the laundry room, and the master bedroom is downstairs with the fireplace. Not that we've had a chance to do anything more than heavy breathing and a little thigh-clenching in front of the fireplace, but still.

    You know, now that I think about it, we're still getting interrupted, even on a different floor.

    That settles it. I'm putting caltrops on the stairs.

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  10. Thigh-clenching! *Envy*

    Teenagers never go away. They call in reinforcements on their evil little cell phones!

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  11. Thank you to everybody for your comments. I appreciate that. I kinda figured this topic might interest you girls!

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