7.07.2010

Technological Love Languages 2.0

 By Harley May


Technology is a mainstay in our lives. We can’t escape it. Everyone is plugged into the internet with some gadget or another so there is little excuse for husbands and wives who cannot get a hold of each other.

At the very least, there is the cell phone call between spouses on the way home from work:

Husband: Hey hon. What’s for dinner?

Wife: Whatever you kill and bring home. I’ll start boiling water.

Husband: So you haven’t thought about dinner?

Wife: No.

Husband: Do you plan on thinking about it?

Wife: (kids screaming in the background) Sorry – couldn’t hear that last question.

Husband: It was nothing. What did you do today?

Wife: Took a trip to the grocery store and went shoe shopping. I brought the toddler with me. We found some super-cute ones on sale. He helped me try them on and then put a few pairs on all by himself. I was surprised at how well he navigated in those extra inches. It took me years to master that walk.

Husband: He tried on women’s shoes with you?

Wife: Yes. He’s done it with his sister’s princess heels. Surely you’ve seen him do it before.

Husband: I haven’t. Put on Sports Center immediately.

Wife: That’s silly.

Husband: Then take him to that golf pro shop and get him to hit a round or two on that driving range they have set up.

Wife: I’m not doing that.

Husband: Take him outside and throw a football around. Please. You didn’t do this with his older brother, did you?

Wife: (static) I’m losing you.

Husband: You aren’t answering my question. Did you do this with his older brother? Yes or no?

Wife: (click)

Husband: Honey?


There is also the fun e-mail exchange:

From: hunk@burningmanlove.com
To: exhausted@housewife.com
Date: June 19, 2010 12:32 pm
Subject: Tonight

Hey Hot Stuff,

I was wondering if we could pencil something into the evening’s schedule involving you and that red thing.

I’ll be out of the office from 1-2, but you can reach me on my cell. I look forward to touching base with you later.

Your Stallion

From: exhausted@housewife.com
To: hunk@burningmanlove.com
Date: June 19, 2010 12: 35 pm
Subject: Re: Tonight

Mr. Husband,

If you’ll please study our extra-curricular activities contract (updated and renewed after child number four) on page nine, paragraph three, you’ll note that I require at least nine hours notice of such requests.

I’ve attached said document for you to review. It looks like I’m going to have to get back to you on this.

Hot stuff

From: hunk@burningmanlove.com
To: exhausted@housewife.com
Date: June 19, 2010 12:40 pm
Subject: Re: Tonight

Mrs. Wife Lady,

You’re good at these multi-tasking situations and know how to think outside the box. You’re a go-getter, a thinker, and I’ll trust you’ll be able to sort this situation out. If there is anything I can do to help you get into that red thing and on the bed at 10 pm sharp, please let me know.

Mr. Husband

From: exhausted@housewife.com
To: hunk@burningmanlove.com
Date: June 19, 2010 12: 44 pm
Subject: Re: Tonight

Mr. Husband,

I’d be happy to have this issue completed and resolved, ready to be turned in at 10 pm. There are few contingencies I’d like to negotiate for such a thing to occur. You must do the following:

1.)    Fix supper
2.)    Take insubordinates out for some recreation time
3.)    Bubble bath (for Mrs. Wife Lady)
4.)    Vacuum
5.)    Foot rub

When items 1-5 are completed, I’ll take over the rest of the evening’s activities and the requested red thing will be on at the scheduled time. I’d also like to work at least fifteen minutes of foreplay into the evening or all this is a no go. These are my rules.


From: hunk@burningmanlove.com
To: exhausted@housewife.com
Date: June 19, 2010 12:49 pm
Subject: Re: Tonight

Mrs. Wife Lady,

I agree to items 1-5 of your requirements, but fear that completion of such issues will limit the foreplay you’ve requested. Seven minutes

From: exhausted@housewife.com
To: hunk@burningmanlove.com
Date: June 19, 2010 12: 52 pm
Subject: Re: Tonight

Mr. Husband,

Ten minutes.

From: hunk@burningmanlove.com
To: exhausted@housewife.com
Date: June 19, 2010 12:53 pm
Subject: Re: Tonight

Done.


And finally we have the text messages:

Husband: Wht ru wearing
Wife: R u drunk
Husband: Yup
Wife: Y r u drunk @ work
Husband: Im on a boat
Wife: Lol u r a lying liar
Husband: Company booze cruise I forgt 2 tell u abt
Wife: Be safe
Husband: Life vests
Wife: Pics
(Husband sends picture of himself in yellow life vest. Randos pop into the frame)
Wife: Get nancys hand off ur butt
Husband: Lol thats Andrew
Wife: Nice purple shirt
Husband: Hes gained weight

15 comments:

  1. Hahahahaha you didn't let me down. This is hilarious. I'm especially fond of the texting portion...:)

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  2. LMAO. Hilarious! Nice job.

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  3. Well done! Texting is my preferred method of communication as it gives me time to be more of a smart aleck.

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  4. Thank you, everyone. Those conversations are completely fictional. They've never happened to me. Ever.

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  5. ROF,L! (Okay, maybe not on the floor, but definitely on the couch.) Thank you for that! :D

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  6. LOL!!!! Omg, I'm dying. This is so spot-on! Remind me to write about Mr. Vagabond and me sexting through one of his dinner meetings. There was tequila involved. He still doesn't remember who his meeting was with.

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  7. Harley, U R funny. K thks bye.

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  8. Harley you are fantastic as always! You never fail to bring a smile to my face give me my laugh(or 10) for the day!

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  9. You said I would be offended. I am SO offended. Thank you.













    ;)

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  10. ROFL! So funny. And I saw some truth in there, too.

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  11. Everytime I go out with my friends,or stand in the checkout line, or lately even in a movie theatre (waiting for the now even longer movie previews to finish) I cant help but to wonder what little tawdry conversations are taking place. Hummm....may even be the person that your with.

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  12. Harley, this is hilarious!! Nice work :)

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  13. I swear this is true: yesterday for the first time in decades, the words Erma Bombeck passed my lips and my wife agreed with me that Joy Behar could be as funny in a show biz, trash, Louis CK kind of way. Having said that, a rating system that includes I Squeed Myself feels like home to me.

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