12.08.2010

Bah Humbug... Or Something

by Adam Slade


"Oh, the weather outside is frightful,
the lack of fire is sooo damn spiteful,
I don't care if it cooosts a ton,
turn it on, turn it on, warm my bum."

Or something.

I'm what you might call a Pre-Christmas Curmudgeon. Or 'miserable sod', should you prefer. Most do. If I see a Christmas advert before the first of December, it's too durned early, and I make a mental note not to buy anything from that store unless absolutely necessary (i.e. they're cheaper). I find decorations silly and distracting, the music jangly and irritating, and the trees? Tree? Indoors?! Pfft.

On or around the tenth, though, this all changes. The music makes me grin like a loon (ok, more like a loon), I help put the decorations up where they'll stand out the most, and I go nuts with the tinsel on the tree, which I crawl into the attic to retrieve, despite the spiders.

In the lead up to 'the day', I sit in the front room with a huge cup of tea in my hands and my swaddled tootsies up on the coffee table, watching repeats of '70s comedy Christmas specials and finishing the punchlines for them. I'm 27, and yet come the night of Christmas Eve, I don't sleep. I lie there with a grin plastered on my chapped and cracking lips, my legs jigging as I attempt to both warm the sheets. and keep my bladder full and mattress dry (that may be an exaggeration).

And then it arrives!

It!

The day!

Um, y'know... Christmas?

Try and pay attention.

It's the only day where I'm up ridiculously early -- and by that I mean before 2pm -- and don't care. I stagger downstairs, shiver, stagger back upstairs to put clothes on, stagger halfway back down the stairs and realize I have caveman hair and breath, stagger to the bathroom, then make it all the way to the kettle before I remember that I put my appallingly wrapped presents under my bed. This process of repeated stair climbs continues for another twenty to thirty minutes before everything is where is should be. When the family has finished laughing at me, we pass around the prezzies, and well, you know how the rest works.

My good spirits last throughout Christmas Day, Boxing Day, and sometimes even the day after, before receding. Once again the songs are crap, the tree is stupid, and the decorations are a fire hazard.

I keep the cards, though.



Photo credit: deltasdazzlingcostumes.com.au

19 comments:

  1. Ta, sweetie!

    *MUAH!*

    Adam


    (I'm not being creepy, R G Randell is my fiancee!)

    ReplyDelete
  2. I'm a miserable sod this year. I'm trying not to be, it's just a hard Christmas. But, this post makes it infinitely better!

    Lovin' that elf dude.

    ReplyDelete
  3. He totally stole my beard.

    (Glad you liked!)

    Adam

    ReplyDelete
  4. I always suspected you were one-quarter North Pole elf! Great post and welcome to the Ermas!

    ReplyDelete
  5. My mouth isn't QUITE that wide. ;)

    Thanks, Beth! :-)

    Adam

    ReplyDelete
  6. See, I knew you'd be a perfect fit here. ;)

    Also: Bah! Humbug!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Heehee, thanks, Angie! :D

    Adam

    ReplyDelete
  8. That elf in the photo frightens me.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Great post! The image of you going up and down and up and down and up and down the stairs is cracking me up.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Travis - I think it's the ears. Or the way his beard and hair are one entity.

    Hoo - *Takes a bow*


    Adam

    ReplyDelete
  11. I like the term "caveman breath." For some sick reason, it makes me giggle. For my mental snapshot, you are wearing pink bunny rabbit footie pajamas like Ralphie in A Christmas Story (best holiday movie ever!) while tromping up and down the stairs. giggling again...

    ReplyDelete
  12. Then to help reinforce your mental image, I was definitely wearing bunny slippers. ;)

    Adam

    ReplyDelete
  13. *snickering* Great post, Adam. I'm 34 and I still have a hard time sleeping on Christmas Eve. LOL

    ReplyDelete
  14. Thanks, Lisa. :D

    As you'll notice, it's the tenth today. My Christmas spirit is on the rise... ;)

    Adam

    ReplyDelete
  15. This reminds me of my Main Scrooge. No Christmas carols allowed before December (the guys, ages 20 & 22 love to bait him with Christmas CD's in the car.) But he's an absolute Christmas present through December. Loved it, Adam!

    ReplyDelete
  16. Thank you, Amy! Glad you enjoyed! :D

    Adam

    ReplyDelete
  17. Love it! I am also becoming just like this. I used to love the earliest signs of Christmas. Now, I cringe if I see anything or hear anything remotely jingly or festive before Thanksgiving day. Thanksgiving day has traditionally been the first acceptable day for Christmas stuff. Santa makes his appearance in the Macy's parade and that ushers in the season on this side of the pond. I saw trees and heard carols around Halloween this year, and I went into full-on Scrooge mode. However, there is a 7 foot tall tree in my foyer that my neighbor deposited o my porch last night, and we'll be setting it up today!

    ReplyDelete
  18. Thanks, Carole (Blue)!

    I'm well into the swing now, and will only increase in merriment as the days tick by. ;)

    Adam

    ReplyDelete

Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.