by Angie Mansfield
Police have finally located the suspect wanted in connection with a series of flashing incidents and assaults with a deadly weapon that occured on February 14th, 2011. The arrest comes after a week of investigation and public outcry.
"We have found the person responsible for these despicable acts," said Detective Fred Dobbin during a brief press conference this morning. "Now, if everyone could stop keying my car and egging my house, that would be great."
Public outcry over police handling of this case began shortly after the first flashing incidents were reported. Police were slow to respond to the reports, mistaking them for a rash of crank calls.
"I mean," Dobbin said, "Who woulda thought all the stories about a hairy, naked little person with wings could be accurate?"
One of the flashing victims, speaking on condition of anonymity (but her initials are Tara Mitchell, 457 Schenectedy Lane) said she is forever scarred by her disturbing ordeal. "He flew right up to my window and pointed his arrow at me. No, I'm not using a euphemism. He had an actual arrow, with a bow and everything."
Her neighbor, Laura Burke, also saw the winged pervert. "He chased me down the street, pointing the arrow at me and screaming, 'Who do you love?' over and over. I still hear it in my sleep."
Police became actively involved when a local man was admitted to the hospital to have a small, pink-feathered arrow removed from his left buttock. After questioning the victim, investigators determined that the M.O. fit a series of similar incidents that occured on the same day last year. The current investigation led them to the main suspect in that case, who was released last summer over a technicality. When the identity of the suspect was released today, public outcry grew.
"How did this freak get tossed back on the streets to terrorize innocent people all over again," asked Ms. Mitchell's husband. "I mean, his mother was Venus, the goddess of love, and his father was Mars, the god of war. What did they think was going to happen?"
Cupid's court-appointed attorney was unavailable for comment.
Angie Mansfield, perhaps unsurprisingly, lives alone with her dog and a jade plant named Fred. Yes, her plant has a name. You can find more of her failed attempts at journalistic integrity at the Zebra Rag.